Dedication

(NOTE: I realize this post is quite a departure from the norm, but I trust you’ll forgive the lack of continuity. There will be more informational posts in the future. For now, allow me to dedicate the following to a special reader.)

In Praise

My flower folds its lovely petals downward, but the sun still shines on it, unable to

Resist its beauty.

A stem gracefully extended, with full, rounded leaves that sway

Undulating with the breeze, firmly rooted but flexible enough not

To break in the windstorm.

Bees hover, nectar worshipping, buzzing annoyingly with anticipation, but her inner sanctum remains

Painfully out of reach, their long insectile tongues lapping at air

For her petals fold downward, and the light delicate wisps of her petals

Brush the unforgiving thorns underneath, and the scars on the underside toughen

And guard while they injure, like swords with no handles.

I refrain from reaching out to grasp it, desiring a longer gaze, or rather, an imprint of

That flower, pressed into my memory in eternity, or as long as that lasts,

Yet it bends with the breeze – or is my lovely tree enticing the breeze – darts and dangles

Belies its own beauty by embracing the turbulent air that buffets and

Bows it to the ground in unwelcome worship of the wind.

In moments of cessation, it peaks upward, and the sun rejoices, for what is a sunray without a place to lay its photons to rest on a place of soft solitude and safe harbor

A lovely bed of countenance that angels envy

For they cannot collect nor hold the particular particles that flow through their protective visage and

Land on their preferred place of refuge.

I behold longer. I sit, and wait for the petals to open in acceptance

For the full and graceful leaves to envelop the photonic embrace that is seeking them.

For my flower is what it is, and cannot be what is isn’t, even before it knows it is

the loveliest in the garden, as the sun, and I, wait patiently

for her petals to spring forth in upward gaze, triumphant not in victory, but in loss,

loss of all that was not needed, all that was gained from careless glances from incompetent gardeners

For losing is winning when what is lost was not yours

And I smile at my flower, and she smiles back

Photons dancing on rivers of joy and peace

A breeze gently caresses in a sigh of relief

And we sway together in the wandering wind,

A lovely, longing, wandering wind.

We sway, beautiful flower and I,

In a wandering, wonderful wind.

Another Look

“That’s the problem. When you say you’re looking, you’re just looking.” – Naomi Paul, 11

The seasons have changed, at least on the calendar, from the heat of summer to the relative cool of fall. I speak of course of the traditional understanding of autumn- there is no such dependable moderation of the temperature here in Miami. In fact, the days are hotter than they’ve ever been. The season has also changed for me and my family, and while the effects have been similarly unpredictable, I’m confident in stating that we wouldn’t turn the calendar back even if we could.

In all, I must say we’ve enjoyed a favorable time. We’ve had two cars break down, bought another we really, really needed, and managed to get our kids started on another family learning year. Our marriage has endured the stress of my job change and our season of transition in general. Musically I’ve been able to reintroduce myself to the jazz scene, and my teaching studio has grown by several students. Of course, finances remain an obstacle, and we have more big decisions to make. My challenge is to maintain the proper perspective.

My daughter’s quote above was in response to her older brother’s search for something in the kitchen which, of course, was right in front of him. I found her statement at once obvious and profound. So many time we are looking for something in life, but that is all we are doing – using our sight, and not our insight. We’re just looking, thinking what we need will just appear, instead of realizing what we need is often right in front of us. By not letting distractions lead us to simply looking at the surroundings, we can see what is possible rather than just what is visible.

Our distractions of financial hardship, of upcoming educational and career options, of trying to see what lies ahead…searching for answers by constantly reviewing the issues is simply looking to look – like window shopping for worries. We know those obstacles are there, and using valuable time to simply glance and gloss over the problems do us no good. Rather, we are trying to see what we already have – a heavenly purpose, a foundation of faith, a loving home – not necessarily just a place to live, but a connection of loved ones, in one place, a fabric interwoven with the threads of memory, laughter and life – and our understanding that what is within us is greater than anything outside of us. We don’t have to see what’s ahead of us. We have to activate what – or more accurately, Who – is within us. Then and only then we can know we’re moving in the right direction, and we’ll find what we’re seeking.

HsD

The Return

How can I put the biggest change of my life thus far, and 2 months of that transition, into one post? No way exists.

I can simply retrace my steps one moment, one memory at a time. I do believe the maxim that one cannot simultaneously live life and record it is appropriate here. To step out of the moment to become ones own historian seems to be the necessary shift required to successfully look back and reflect. It is a shift I have had very little motivation to make, as may be obvious.

So rather than spend endless words and phrases in a vain attempt to recount the last two weeks, let’s instead enter the realm of the present. And the present finds me in an emotional state. At this moment of writing I have awoken from a vivid and disturbing dream. Some might say that dreams are simply a collection of random thoughts and mental images that the brain pieces together while doing its nightly restoration process. Perhaps they can lead to imaginative feats and insights into great mysteries. At least that what the Science Channel told my children and I today. It was not mentioned, however, how dreams can impact the emotion and the soul. That’s what happened when I struggled to awake from this nightmare, or a ‘bad dream’.

Without being graphic as to upset or belittle anyone that has ever truly gone through what I merely dreamed about, suffice it to say that in this dream I lost something more precious than anything to me. I realized the character was fictional, but the emotional impact was as if it was as real as the touch of the keys below my fingers right now.  And anything I could write about – the struggles, the financial stress, the family and relational issues, the questions and concerns of the day – melted in that moment of utter imaginary devastation. It was as if I was sent a shock test – an uninvited moment of clarity that focused my mind on what means the most, at the immediate exclusion of everything else that doesn’t.

And so, I had to pray. I had to realize that He who is responsibile for existence is responsible for all that maintains existence, and place it in His hands freshly again, like the first bud of a plant whose seed has just burst from the soil – tender, fragile, but very much there.  The thought crossed my mind in this time of hand wringing over financial and political issues that those who may be looking for a safe haven of peace, may be turning to Christianity simply out of the process of elimination. As for me, I can find no greater solace than the One who demands all of me is also the one that gave all for me. And without that assurance, that there is a God, a Father that willingly accepted the loss of his only child, I could not face the prospect of raising my own children with the full knowledge that their well-being is beyond my physical ability to control.  Their safety and protection requires bigger hands.

If I maintain a better writing schedule, I’d be happy. I do hope that my dream experience is not the only factor motivating my return to writing. If so, would you join me in praying for more dreams of love, light, and laughter – dreams we can experience with our eyes wide open and our conscious minds alert and receiving. Dreams that we can see smiling, dancing before us in the forms of our families, friends, and loved ones. They are the ones that matter. And like dreams, they can be gone in a fleeting blink, before we have shook ourselves free from the slumber of misplaced priorities and mismanaged affections. There is precious little of today’s news and our daily work that will matter in the scheme of eternity. To love and cherish those we are with now is not one of those things that will not be carried into a deeper, longer lasting moment.

And with that, enjoy this day. Your dreams are waiting.

acp

The Change

The biggest change of my life is about 20 hours away from being complete.

In that timespan, I will go from what I have been, the minister of music of my church for the past 9 years, and musician for the last 15, and transition into being simply a citizen of the Kingdom, a member of a church but not an active employee.

To begin to write about this was a microcosm of the struggle I have gone through spiritually for the last year. For me to chronicle the decision making process would have been difficult, to say the least, given the readers of this blog and their intimate knowledge of those involved in my employment. But as I have made my private plans public, I’ve been freed to express in more expressive terms just what has happened in the past month.

To avoid a lengthy background, suffice it to say my wife and I have been discussing the possibilities of moving for years. We have always attempted to see ourselves in new situations and have plans to move our family into a more ideal situation socially, educationally, and financially. However, the past year’s economic morass encircled our family as well, and we saw no way of making that happen in the near future.

In the meantime, the Lord had been whispering in my ear that my tranisiton may not happen with the perfect resolution I was seeking – a music ministry with several back up musicians already hired, a new ministry job in a new location that was homeschool-friendly and economically viable for us to move to.  However,  God’s whispers are like thunderclaps in a glass jar. And those whispers began to reverberate in my spirit, and none of them allowed me room to wiggle out of the fact that God was not going to reveal any additional steps until I showed Him I could trust Him even when my previous source – my church ministry and employment – was not there anymore.  So I wrestled until the confirmations were too obvious to ignore, and I finally let my Pastor know that I could not continue to ignore what the Lord was saying to me.

So I’ve stepped away from the church family I’ve known for 15 years. I’ve given up playing each Sunday with some of the best musicians in the country, and forfeited the chance to continue hearing weekly from some of the best biblical preaching in the world. Why would anyone give up such things?

There is only one answer. It’s not given up if it’s given to. Given to God, that is. Nothing given to God is lost, because He had it all along.

So all belongs to Him, and I’ll trust Him to take care of his children. I’m so glad I was able to hear Him even when it didn’t make sense. A faith that does not call for the stretching beyond the line of simple solutions is no faith at all. This journey, this new season, is just beginning. And I can’t wait to see what’s next.

In Him,

Allen

The Plant, The Purpose, and the Pot

I saw my daughter’s plant starting to wilt this morning.

When we bought the little plant, it was in a peat pot, and that peat pot was in a plastic container. Gardeners know that we normally would have taken the plant out of the plastic pot, dug a hole, and then placed the plant in a garden or something similar outside. However, having bought the plant just for a short science experiment with soil, we never moved the plant outside. My daughter was content to water the plant and stick it close to the window sill, where the sun would shine on it every morning, and she looked forward to lovingly caring for it every day.

The plant grew pretty well for a while. It had lovely little purple blooms, and soon was overflowing the pot. However, we still never took the time to replant it or prepare the outside ground for it. So it remained on the window sill.

Now despite the leaves growing over the side, I can see the yellow streaks on the leaves, the drooping of the blooms, and the lack of firmness in the stems. It seems even with the best of care, the plant has lost its desire to be all it was capable of being.

It is obvious that without intervention, the plant will die. Not because she’s not watering it, or because it’s not receiving adequate sunlight. It’s because its purpose is beyond the pot. No amount of loving tender care will change the fact that it was never designed to stay in the little container it started in. And by trying to force it to stay in the pot, we are only dooming the plant to a short flourish, followed by a long, desperate and dreary decline into death.

I won’t insult your intelligence by insinuating that you, the reader, are the plant. Suffice it to say, that some pots are self made. We make our own plastic pots, take great care of the plant, place the plant where we think it will be secure and safe, and think the plant will be happy. But nothing that is designed to be free can last under the boundaries of the pot. The plan for the plant must come to pass, if the plant is to ever make any progress.

I would love to say we are preparing a place outside for the plant. That is not the case. This particular plant has to deal with my daughter. But in my own life, I’ve learned the secret. The smell of rain is drawing me. I’m digging up places that once seemed like they should remain untouched, and I’m preparing to move from the pot to the garden. No longer will I be safe, but wilting and wasting away on the window sill, being cared for but not being consumed with my true purpose. While there may be weeds, storms, and other prettier plants in the garden, at least I’ll be where I’m purposed to be. And that is all I could ever ask for.

Daddy’s Not So Little-Little Girl

The moment that changed everything for me, as shocking as it was, did not come without warning.
Ever since my daughter came into the world, it seemed she was in a hurry to grow up. Following on the heels of her brother, only 18 months behind chronologically, she proceeded to make up the ground in vocal development, walking, and potty training- achieving these milestones comparatively early. Not only did she keep up and catch up mentally, but physically she soon shot up to the point that she was easily the tallest girl in any group where her age was the average. The poor thing even had to convince a skeptical cashier at our local pizza buffet that she was young enough to qualify for the kids meal. I’ve had to stare down hormone laden 14 year old boys that mistake my daughter for a teenage dating prospect rather than a ten year old

Naomi at Johnny Appleseed Day, Oct 2008

that still maintains her Hello Kitty shrine in the corner of her room.

I’ve watched from afar as my wife gently prepared her for the challenges of entering puberty from the female perspective. My role had always been to be the example of how a man ought to treat her-opening doors, complimenting her, everything that I would demand of any potential suitor. Of course I left the nitty gritty details to my wife, just as I was responsible for “the talk” with my now thoroughly maturing oldest son, and my prepubescent but soon to be teenaged twelve year old. But my distance from the discussion was not only simply a matter of gender roles. It was a protective shell that prevented me from having to acknowledge the all too persistent, obvious fact that my little girl will not be a little girl much longer.

Naomi had been complaining of stomach pains for the last couple of days, but even as my wife began preparing for what she was confident was on the way, I hesitated at her diagnosis. It was less the squeamish male reaction to the ‘way of women’ and more that protective shell going up. Finally, right after dropping off the kids at tutoring at the church, and settling into my office, my wife called my office phone and told me, somewhat breathlessly, “It happened”.  My long silence was not because I needed an explanation. It was the sinking feeling, almost a funeral kind of loss I felt within me. Call it silly, or overreaction, but I just felt like an era of innocence had past, and that for now on I would never have that free feeling of just raising my pigtailed princess as if she’d never leave the nest.

I’m not sure how other dads deal with their daughters becoming women.  All I know is the thought of my girl being able – prayerfully years decades from now – to have children of her own makes me feel like I’ve entered an area totally unfamiliar to me. Of course, I’ll give her the eskimo kisses, the hugs, tuck her in at night, enjoy every moment of her still precious childhood.  But that wisp of sadness she might detect when I look at her is the evidence that I know she’s only mine for a little while longer. Lord help me make the most of it.

Looking unto the hills,

HsD

Value of Values #2 – Selflessness

Author’s Note: In the interest of saving time, I will refrain from the profuse apologies about my long hiatus between posts. I trust those that know me need no explanation, and those that do not have no reason to desire one.

Here on this Silent Saturday, the night of Resurrection Morning 2009, my thoughts have turned again to the values I began to preview in February.  I looked back at my mission statement to see which value I should continue with – whether simply in order of appearance, in strategic order of importance or relevance, or some other method. How appropriate that the next value in numerical order was the one that fits the importance of this weekend in the faith of the friends of the Risen One – Selflessness.

My definition of Selflessness in my mission statement reads:

I will put myself no higher than necessary to achieve the best for someone else.

You may notice the dichotomy of the statement above in relation to the term – self “LESS”.  But those who have tried to live the selfless life can attest to the dual nature of this value.  We all know that the classic idea of selflessness is achieved by abandoning our own needs and wants for the needs of another. But true selflessness can’t be achieved when we are less of the self than we are able to be. Thus all the calls for leaders, ministers, husbands and wives to ‘take care of themselves’, to make sure they attend to their own needs (what may seem ’selfish’) in order to be able to then supplant those needs to serve others.

We need only look to the life of the Risen One to see this.  Jesus’s purpose was to fulfill the will his Father and serving the lost sheep of Israel. He gave up heaven and royalty beyond all measure to become man – the most selfless act imaginable.  But Jesus also spent 30 years of a 33 year life – that’s 90% – in obscurity ministry wise, in which we can assume he cared  for his immediate family and provided for himself. Was this selfish? Were those moments that Jesus stole away from the people to rest and commune with his Father moments of selfish attention to His own needs? And when He lifted his voice in his final prayers, saying “Glorify thy son,” after all his pronouncements that he did not seek his own glory, was he committing an act of selfishness?(John 17:1)

Of course not.  We understand that the only reason Jesus was able to give himself totally to the Cross was because he was TOTALLY HIMSELF – that is, totally God and totally man.  Anything less would have been not enough to cleanse us by his death and justify us by His resurrection. He had to be everything God had ordained him to be in order to achieve the perfect sacrifice – one that was not for His benefit only, but for the benefit of all mankind. He gave up everything he had – and yet, he had to be everything he was so that he would have everything to give.

In the same way, my sacrifice is not helpful to my loved ones or my sphere of influence if I subscribe to be selfless by ignoring my needs and not becoming all that God has me to be.  In this way, I cheat others out of the blessings I might be able to share.  Instead, I look to see, as Rick Warren might say, what my purpose is, and utilize all the powers I have to become that person.  The difference between the selfish person and the selfless is in the heart and motive of the self.  If I stop there, and only become what I desire because of my own wants, well, that is self-ish.  But if my self is then poured into others at no additional benefit (although we know the benefits are in the continual defining of our servant character), we begin to become the kind of person Jesus was – a person that gives out of a heart of love, that stops noticing the tiny pricks of ego and self-need and is able to ‘lay down his life for a friend’.

In summary, I don’t fear becoming more than what God has me to be, for He would soon cut me down. I would fear, rather, being less than what He raised me to be, for then I can not bring others up.

So, as the celebration of Resurrection Day begins, remember that His selfless act, borne of love for you and me, should motivate us to “press on toward the mark”, knowing that we too can live lives of service to others, having been raised and restored and renewed for that specific purpose.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. – Eph. 2:10 (KJV)

Value of Values #1 – Duty

Duty |’d(y)oōtē| – 1. A moral or legal obligation; a responsibility. 2. a task or action someone is required to perform. 3. A payment due and enforced by law or custom. – taken from Oxford American Dictionary

Last week I introduced a discussion on values. It seems to me that while the culture focuses on what’s uncertain in our economic and political world, we as family leaders (both fathers and mothers) should be focusing on what remains certain. I believe every family, especially every father, should have some written or understood set of values that they can articulate and share with their circle of influence – to understand the principles that motivate you to be who you are, or better, who you want to be.

The first of my core values is Duty. Now, duty may seem like a cold, unflinching type of topic to begin with. When many think of duty, images of servitude and drudgery come to mind.  We may see duty as nothing more than a list of to-dos, or a code of military or patriotic service, or even as an archaic reference to the biblical phrase in marriage vows (which you almost never hear any more). I remember memorizing the Boy Scout Oath, which includes the words “to do my duty to God and my country”.  But almost never is duty mentioned in a positive way.  So much is made of the freedom of the individual, of the choice of people to determine their own responsibilities, that the idea of duty is usually referred to when an outside force requires it of us – and usually we are trying to avoid it. Rarely is duty mentioned as a self-motivated character trait.

When I included duty in my list of core values, I wrote out this defining statement.

When given a task, or even knowing a task should be done, I will do it as unto the Lord. I will show diligence and respect to my superiors and my colleagues.

To me, duty is the glue that holds my purpose together. I don’t serve others because I have some special instinct to do so. I do what I do out of a sense of gratitude to the One that gave me the blessing to live on this earth and to carry out my life in the place He put me.  My duty to Him necessitates that I FREELY choose to accept the accompanying duties to protect my family, to work diligently in my career, and to step up to meet responsibilities whether or not I am the instigator of the problem or beneficiary of the solution.

My understanding of my duty as a father began long before my children showed up, because as a child my dad taught me that my foremost earthly duty is to provide for my family. He never complained about the amount of work building a business took, or about the late nights he spent. I learned from that experience that if the benefits of work are positive, then the obligations of work are also positive.  Meanwhile, my mother helped me understand that fulfilling your duty is an act of love. One day as a teen, while washing dishes a second time to make sure they were clean, my mom whispered something in my ear I have never forgotten.

“You’re gonna make a good husband one day.”

I internalized what that meant. Being faithful with the most menial tasks can mean just as much – or more-  as buying the most expensive gift or making a huge one – time sacrifice. In fulfilling my duty, I demonstrate self – sacrifice, the highest of all possible values, because it means I put my service to another cause equal to or higher than my own causes. In fact, I make other’s purposes and causes my own. Perhaps that is why Jesus told us not to take credit when people compliment our earthly service in the Kingdom.

So likewise ye, when ye shall have done all those things which are commanded you, say, We are unprofitable servants: we have done that which was our duty to do. Luke 17:10 (KJV)

I don’t look for the reward in doing my duty to my wife, family, employer, country, or church. It is its own reward. To be aligned with the right cause is to be right. To be doing the right thing at the right time is something no one can question or malign. To do my duty means I am actively engaged in doing what I was created to do, and in that I’m not worthy of any special recognition – yet the sense of satisfaction is worth far more than any earthly award or pat on the back.

In fact, having a duty means you have been entrusted with a task that you are uniquely qualified to fulfill. Like the parable of the talents, we are given tools to work with, not toys to play with, or treasure to bury. To use the tools of our service in constant allegiance to a higher purpose is to truly live our lives as they were meant to be lived. Even Adam was given a responsibility(to tend the garden of Eden), and he was in a perfect world. Why not, then, resurrect duty as a sacred and high honor? If God felt it would benefit a perfect place, how much more would it benefit a world full of selfishness and greed?  How much more gracious and respectful would our children be if we stopped telling them what they can get for doing the right thing, and focus on just doing the right thing? If more people would come back to duty as a value, rather than the “what’s in it for me” attitude, I believe we would have a better society without a single law or new government program. People would remember that life is a gift, and the thank-you-note is our service.

I’ll let guest blogger Solomon close. He’s much more qualified to answer the final question – the question of our ultimate duty.

Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. Eccl. 12:13 (KJV)

Amen.

Looking unto the hills,

HsD

The Value of Values

In these days of mass hysteria about jobs, economic forces, and political machinations, it’s easy to miss the fact that these are the perfect times to reaffirm what we really believe in.  So much is made of a stylized American value system, when all that really amounts to is a compilation of feel-good sayings, Constitutional misreadings, and political gamesmanship.  But the values that matter are not the cliches of a social movement, nor the tidy sentiments of a politically correct culture. It’s the things that actually motivate our behavior – that define us through our everyday choices. It’s in this spirit that I’d like to discuss the values that matter – our personal values.

First, I ask you, how does one decide what values to hold? Are they based on parental influence, or spiritual maxims, or cultural standards, or a mix of all three? And how do you go about defining them? Is it a one time thing, or a lifelong process for you?

For me, my values took shape over years of re-evaluating what I learned from my parents, my faith, and my experiences as a father, husband and worker. After lots of meditation and seeking, I took a week or so of writing and re-writing the values I felt define me.  They came from a place of imagining the person I want to be remembered as, and the actions and emotions I would want to experience on an everyday basis while being led by these values.  The process helped me to understand more the person I am, the person I used to be, and the person I want to become. I must admit I haven’t focused as much as I would like on living my values, as Benjamin Franklin did on a daily basis, picking out a virtue and working on it in a systematic fashion throughout his life. However, I do review them weekly in my planning sessions, and I periodically adjust my goals and objectives when I realize I haven’t been acting in concert with my core values.  It truly is a life-long process to value your values to the point that they become a part of you.

I’ll list my 8 core values here, but I am very interested in hearing from others to see what their values are, how they live them out, and how they pass them on to the next generation.  Comments are more than welcome, they are encouraged and sought after.

My 8 Core Values

• Duty
• Self-Reflection
• Integrity
• Determination
• Selflessness
• Purity
• Kindness
• Excellence

I’ll profile my approach to each of these values throughout the coming weeks. Perhaps it will inspire someone else to really look closely at their own values and motivations. For only when you know why you do what you do, can you really do what you want to do.

Looking unto the hills,

HsD

What’s in a Name (Specifically…my name)

Ok, so this may seem a pretty self aggrandizing topic. But I figured I’d answer the question before it is ever asked… why sign off each of my posts with HsD, with the “s” in lower case?

Of course HsD stands for Homeschooldaddy. But when I created the initials I wanted to make clear which of those three titles bore the most significance, and the best way I could think of was to put ‘Home’ and ‘Daddy’ in upper case, and leave the least of the three, ’school’, in lower case.

Am I saying school is not important? Of course not. Any of my frequent readers know the educational process is one of my core values. But next to being the leader of my home and the father of my children, schooling (or even my preferred term, family learning) is a distant third in determining my worth and effectiveness in the calling God has given me. If my children never master grammar, mathematics, or science; if they never become great orators or public servants; if by world standards they are not up to par (whose standards we don’t attempt to measure to anyway, as they are ever changing and ever based on the wrong criteria); all these possibilities would be unfortunate, but not as unfortunate as if they never experience the love of a godly home or have the support of a loving father that was by their side in every situation, in every bump against the seawalls of life, and in every triumphant trip to the summit of their dreams.  The past is riddled with examples of successful failures – those that achieved economic and educational success at the cost or sacrifice of their spiritual well-being, due to the neglect or negligence of their parents.

The key to my kids’ success is less in what they know than Who they know, and knowing who they are in Him.

It has crossed my mind that one day my kids may re-enter the public school system.  What of my special designation?  Would I cease to be Homeschooldaddy? Upon reflection, the answer became clear – not at all. My handle need not change – school will always be a small part of my role with them, as it is now. But I will continue to make sure that our Home is the place that they can be run in and be loved, and make sure I’m the Daddy they can run to and be loved.

Hope that clears it up…

Looking unto the Hills,

HsD